[Open on the great outdoors. It's a beautiful view as Irv does his narration. Waters rushing along and so forth.]
NARRATOR: From the thrusting up of the Rocky Mountains to the carving down of the Grand Canyon, great change only comes from conflict. But where nature's greatest conflicts consist of relentless pounding of water on rock or collisions under the earth's crust...
[Cut to Ephram's room where he is looking at his trig textbook while listening to "Bend and Not Break" by Dashboard Confessional on his headphones.]
NARRATOR: (CONT'D) ...For people to change, it takes other people.
[Dr. Brown enters his son's room.]
DR. BROWN: Multi-tasking again, I see.
EPHRAM: [taking out the headphones from his ears] Sine, cosine... Algebra's got nothing on how useless this stuff is.
DR. BROWN: I gotta run out to the Dudleys for a house call. The four youngest have strep. I'm trying to avoid a major epidemic.
EPHRAM: Yet if this town ever gets SARS, it'll start with the Dudleys.
DR. BROWN: I should be back in a couple of hours.
[Ephram rushes after his father down the steps.]
EPHRAM: Wait, whoa, wait! I told you, I'm not watching Delia tonight. I can't. The bookstore got the new issue of "Rave Masters" in. You said I could get it if I was done with my homework, which I am. Come on, Dad, you promised.
DR. BROWN: Delia's doing her homework.
[Ephram is now following his father into the kitchen.]
EPHRAM: This isn't fair. I have a life. Nina. Did you ask Nina?
DR. BROWN: She's busy.
EPHRAM: But this...
[Ephram spots a young woman helping Delia with her homework.]
EPHRAM: (CONT'D) Who's that?
DR. BROWN: Who?
EPHRAM: [points to the young woman] That.
DR. BROWN: Oh, that is the babysitter I just hired so that you could, as you so poetically put it, "have a life." Madison, this is my son, Ephram.
MADISON: Hi.
EPHRAM: Hey.
DR. BROWN: So, I've gotta make a house call, and he's gonna pick up the latest issue... [to Ephram] Uh, what is it? "Rave Blaster"?
MADISON: Cool. My brother reads comic books, too.
EPHRAM: Actually, they're not comic books.
DR. BROWN: Gotta run.
[Dr. Brown exits.]
EPHRAM: I-I-it... It's manga. So, big difference.
[Madison gets up and goes to get a drink of apple juice.]
MADISON: Anyway, he collects the dolls and all that stuff. Spiderman, the Hulk, Storm from X-Men. He's 12. It's really cute. Do you have any?
EPHRAM: No. No dolls.
DELIA: Yes, you do. That guy with the red hair that you won't let me play with.
EPHRAM: That's not a doll, Delia. It's a collectible.
[Ephram has a sort of staredown with Madison. She smiles. Ephram grabs his coat and goes towards the door, clearly despising Madison already.]
MADISON: If you need help with your homework later, let me know, OK? And if you're gone more than an hour, could you call? I don't wanna worry.
{END OF TEASER / OPENING CREDITS / COMMERCIAL BREAK}
{ACT ONE}
[Open on the Brown kitchen. Ephram's eating at the table. Dr. Brown's making breakfast.]
DR. BROWN: [calling out] Delia, you want an apple or a banana?
DELIA'S VOICE: Apple. But I want it in wedges.
DR. BROWN: Can't you just bite into it, you know, like it's an apple?
DELIA'S VOICE: Wedges, please.
EPHRAM: So, this new babysitter. Where'd she come from?
DR. BROWN: I asked around.
EPHRAM: Did you talk to Delia? I wouldn't expect you to ask me before there was some new person around our house, but Delia might want some input.
DR. BROWN: I think I'm a pretty good judge of people.
EPHRAM: Like the maid you hired in Manhattan who stole all the silverware?
DR. BROWN: Madison doesn't strike me as klepto-maniacal type.
EPHRAM: How do you know what type she is? You get any references?
DR. BROWN: Ephram, what is this about? I hired her so you wouldn't have to watch Delia all the time. I didn't expect a hug or anything, but I thought you'd be overcome with whatever passes for joy with you. Did you guys have some kind of a thing last night?
EPHRAM: No. No, I'm just saying Delia doesn't always like new people. Sometimes it takes her a while to get comfortable. And you just up and left her with a total stranger last night.
DR. BROWN: If Delia doesn't like her, then she's gone.
[Delia enters on a skateboard.]
DELIA: Can Madison come over again tonight?
DR. BROWN: Oh, I think that can be arranged.
DELIA: Yes!
DR. BROWN: Go put your shoes on. The bus stop is still a skate-free zone.
[Delia exits.]
DR. BROWN: So, it's a shame she doesn't like new people.
[Cut to Mayor Rose Abbott clearing the breakfast table at her house. She's surprised to see her husband standing so close to her. He has a weird expression on his face.]
ROSE: What's the matter, Harold?
DR. H. ABBOTT: R.F. Davenport just called. I've been selected High Rutbuck at the lodge. Man of the year.
ROSE: Oh, that's wonderful! Congratulations.
DR. H. ABBOTT: W-when I put my name into the nomination box, I never thought... I-I need to write a speech.
ROSE: Can I tell everyone at City Council today?
DR. H. ABBOTT: Oh, please do. This will just kill Bob Trexler, the way he's been lobbying for this.
ROSE: Shouldn’t you be going? Isn't it Linda's first day?
DR. H. ABBOTT: Yes, it is. Since she hasn't practiced medicine outside of a rain forest since med school, no doubt my time will be spent reacquainting her with civilized medicine. Thank God, I'm an excellent manager. Be thinking of some possible themes for my speech, Rose. Good speech needs a solid theme. Lincoln at Gettysburg, Kennedy at Berlin, and Martin Luther King in D.C. Like me, they understood the value of a unifying idea. My father was Rutbuck, you know. Twice. Senior members still talk about his speeches. I have to honor his memory, Rose. I have to be great.
ROSE: Oh, you will be, Harold. You will be.
[Rose kisses her husband and rushes him off and clears the table some more.]
[Cut to English class at Peak County High. The teacher's name is Mr. Dennett and in the class are three people who we already know among others. They are Amy Abbott, Ephram Brown, and Amy's friend Page.]
MR. DENNETT: So, as we saw with Othello, it was his crazy jealousy got him in trouble. With Oedipus, it was ambition. Who can name another tragic flaw?
[Page raises her right hand.]
MR. DENNETT: Page.
PAGE: Kobe Bryant and room service?
[The class chuckles.]
MR. DENNETT: All right, all right. For your next assignment, I want you to think of yourself as a character in your own life. That's right, and I want you to write an essay about your own tragic flaw.
[Bell rings.]
MR. DENNETT: All right. Well, see you tomorrow.
[The class starts to get up and gather their things for their next class.]
EPHRAM: Do you think, if I pick apathy, I can hand in blank paper?
[Amy faintly smiles.]
EPHRAM: What are you gonna pick?
AMY: I don't know. Is "I hate my life" a flaw, technically?
[A cute guy comes up to Amy. Ephram watches this interchange from afar and he doesn't like it.]
RICK: Hey, Amy.
AMY: Rick.
RICK: I was wondering what you're doing Saturday.
AMY: Nothing. I mean, I... I don't know yet. I'm not sure.
RICK: I was thinking, uh, if it's not too soon or whatever, just, you know, if you'd like to do something.
AMY: Oh, um, um...I... you know, I might have a thing. Like, like, a family thing or something, so...
RICK: Well, think about it. And if you don't have that thing, it'd be good. So, later.
[Cut to the reception area of Abbott & Abbott Medical. Dr. H. Abbott enters. Water is running and Oriental music is playing. Dr. H. Abbott doesn't notice it at first.]
DR. H. ABBOTT: Ahh. Morning, Louise. Get my sister on the phone. Tardiness may be acceptable in Burundi...
[Dr. H. Abbott finally notices the sound.]
DR. H. ABBOTT: What is that noise?
LOUISE: Isn't it nice? It's Chinese.
DR. H. ABBOTT: Yes. No, the other noise. It sounds like a toilet running.
[Dr. L. Abbott sighs to let her brother know of her presence.]
DR. H. ABBOTT: Ahh, there you are!
DR. L. ABBOTT: Morning, Harry.
DR. H. ABBOTT: I hope you put half as much time into taking care of patients as you have into redoing that office. Let's have a look, shall we?
DR. L. ABBOTT: First, there's something I've been meaning to...tell you.
[Dr. H. Abbott sees what his sister has done. It's a little bit of Beijing in Everwood.]
DR. H. ABBOTT: W-what? This? Oh, my god!
DR. L. ABBOTT: I wanted to tell you earlier. I just didn't know how.
DR. H. ABBOTT: Tell me what? That you've -- you've -- you've gone insane?
DR. L. ABBOTT: That I practice Chinese medicine now with an emphasis in 8-point acupuncture and certain herbal remedies.
DR. H. ABBOTT: This isn't medicine. This is voodoo and fairy dust. What the hell happened? You used to be a real doctor.
DR. L. ABBOTT: I still am.
DR. H. ABBOTT: No, this is what comes of living in the wilderness like a vagabond for so many years. You've forgotten your medical training and lost your mind. This will not work. This is not... I want this out.
DR. L. ABBOTT: Come on, Harry! Give me that. Stop! I remember everything I learned in medical school, but I've also learned another way to heal. One that doesn't reduce the patient to a glorified machine.
DR. H. ABBOTT: Sticking needles in people -- this is your idea of administering medical care since when?
[Dr. L. Abbott takes a beat to gather her thoughts.]
DR. L. ABBOTT: I went to China a few years ago for a case. And their traditional medicine was the only thing that worked. I don't know exactly why, but it did, so I stayed. I can't explain it. But it's just a better fit for me and for my patients. For most ailments, I've found these treatments as efficacious as anything western medicine can muster. And, ultimately, far less invasive.
DR. H. ABBOTT: Well, this isn't Bangkok, for crying out loud. This is Everwood. Poking people with pins is the kind of New Age, hippie fad that these simpletons neither want nor require.
DR. L. ABBOTT: Acupuncture is hardly a fad. It's been around for nearly 3,000 years.
DR. H. ABBOTT: Please. So have palm readers and astrologers, for God's sake. It merely demonstrates that there have been hucksters as long as there have been the suckers to support them. No, there is no compelling medical proof whatsoever for the veracity of any of this nonsense.
LOUISE: Dr. Abbott, your first patient's here.
DR. H. ABBOTT: I'll be there in a minute.
LOUISE: Uh, the other Dr. Abbott.
DR. L. ABBOTT: Thank you, Louise. Now, if you'll excuse me, Harry, I have simpletons to poke.
[Dr. H. Abbott motions Louise to leave. When she does, he looks around and can not believe what his sister has done with the office.]
[Cut to the Browns' kitchen. Delia and Madison are there. Ephram enters.]
DELIA: Hey, we're making dinner.
EPHRAM: Where's the pizza I had in here?
MADISON: I threw it out.
EPHRAM: You did what? I wanted that.
MADISON: It looked terrible. Delia says you guys eat pizza all the time. It's not good for your health.
DELIA: What's wrong with you?
EPHRAM: Nothing.
MADISON: You know. you'll feel better after you eat.
EPHRAM: If I want to eat, I'll make it myself. I can cook.
DELIA: Only in the microwave. Madison's really cooking.
EPHRAM: Whatever. I got a paper to write anyway.
MADISON: What's it about? Maybe I can help. I remember when I was a freshman, starting high school was a really big adjustment.
EPHRAM: I'm a junior, OK?
MADISON: Oh. Sorry.
[Ephram starts to exit.]
MADISON: Come on, guys, let's sit down. [takes a dish out of the oven] Um, Ephram, could you help Delia finish setting the table?
EPHRAM: You can stop talking to me like you're my babysitter. Because you’re not, OK?
MADISON: I was hired to take care of things when your dad wasn't here.
EPHRAM: When you're not here being the babysitter, I am the babysitter. What does that tell you?
MADISON: He just said to make sure you guys had dinner, and I'm just trying to do my job.
EPHRAM: She's your job. I'm not your job. I'm going to order a pizza. Call me when it gets here.
[Ephram leaves. A beat as Madison just stares after him dumbfounded.]
DELIA: Welcome to my world.
[Cut to a nice restaurant. Nina's telling Dr. Brown a visit she had with a lawyer.]
NINA: I knew it would be tough. The lawyer was going on about different kinds of separation and filing requirements and waiting periods. When he started talking about custody and visitation, I was a mess.
DR. BROWN: Why didn't you tell me? I'd have gone to see the lawyer with you.
NINA: You know, I'm supposed to go see him again tomorrow. I might just cancel. Maybe I should wait. I'm not so sure this is the right thing to do, anyway.
DR. BROWN: Nina, this is the right thing to do. You can't go on like this. You're miserable. Why don't you let me look through all this? Maybe we can make some sense of it together. And I want a full report tomorrow after you go back. You can stop by my office afterwards.
NINA: This whole thing's been such a nightmare, Andy. It's been hard not to feel like a failure, you know?
[Dr. Brown nods. From the bar, we hear James Hart asking the bartender for another drink.]
JAMES: Hey, Willie! [knocks over a glass] Come on, Willie. L-like one more's gonna make a difference.
WILLIE: Jim, you've had enough. Look, I'm sorry.
[Cut back over to Dr. Brown and Nina who just heard this.]
NINA: Is that...?
DR. BROWN: It's Jim Hart.
NINA: I don't know if that's...
DR. BROWN: I'm just gonna go talk to him.
[Dr. Brown goes up to the bar. James chuckles.]
JAMES: Hey, Dr. Brown, how are ya? I didn't see you come in. How are you?
DR. BROWN: I'm fine, Jim. How are you?
JAMES: Oh, I'm fine. I was just headed out. W-w-we're all set on the tab here, right?
WILLIE: It's OK, I got it. We're good.
DR. BROWN: So, what do you say we get out of here?
JAMES: No, no. Don't be ridiculous. I'm fine.
DR. BROWN: No, I know you are. I just want to drive you home. OK?
JAMES: All right. Great. Beautiful.
[Dr. Brown takes James Hart out of the restaurant, helping him stand upright, and walking past Nina sitting alone at their table.]
{END OF ACT ONE / COMMERCIAL BREAK}
{ACT TWO}
[Cut to the library at Peak County High. Ephram's working on his tragic flaw paper. Bright comes up to Ephram, looking over his shoulder.]
BRIGHT: Ohh, a tragic flaw paper. I had to write that last year. It sucks.
EPHRAM: What was your flaw?
BRIGHT: My looks.
[Ephram can't believe it.]
BRIGHT: (CONT'D) I know it seems hard to believe, but being this attractive comes at a cost. For one thing, nobody takes you seriously. Not to mention there's constant grooming.
EPHRAM: There are so many things wrong with this conversation.
RICK: [from the background] Bright.
EPHRAM: Hey, your home planet's beckoning.
BRIGHT: What? Those ass cracks? Whatever. They're not my friends anymore.
EPHRAM: Not that I don't enjoy our time together, but when did you ditch the Aryan Youth Brigade?
BRIGHT: Since Walzak asked out Amy. Loser. I told them: they can have the cheerleaders, they can have the soccer chicks, but stay away from Amy.
EPHRAM: How thoughtful of you. Sexist and degrading, but thoughtful.
BRIGHT: I got an idea. Dude, why don't you ask my sister out? You could be her excuse not to go out with Walls.
EPHRAM: Your sister didn't want to go out with me all last year. I don't think she would now.
BRIGHT: She only has to want to go out with you more than Walzak. How hard is that?
EPHRAM: As kind an offer as that is, I think I'll pass. Look, maybe she'll say no. Just 'cause he asked her doesn't mean she has to go.
BRIGHT: What if she does?
[Ephram looks over at Rick, contemplates the consequences of Amy going out with Rick, and then goes back to working on his paper.]
[Cut to a hardware store in Everwood. It's owned by the Harts. Sharon's explaining her husband's problem to Dr. Brown.]
SHARON: Last year was a struggle for Jim, but he kept it together. When Colin was in the coma, he had a reason to stay sober. Maybe he would wake up, maybe things would get better. He had hope to hold on to. But now... There's no reason for him not to drink.
DR. BROWN: Well, turning to alcohol isn't unusual following this kind of loss.
SHARON: Oh, he didn't just turn to it. Jim's an alcoholic. Just like his father was.
DR. BROWN: I'm sorry. I had no idea.
SHARON: Well, we cover pretty well. Everyone does. As long as it doesn't cause anyone too much trouble, people are polite enough to look the other way.
DR. BROWN: Have you thought about AA or some other kind of support group?
SHARON: He's tried that. Occasionally, when things get really bad, he'll go to a meeting or two, but it never sticks. I-I just don't know what to do anymore.
DR. BROWN: I wish I'd known about this sooner. Maybe I could have done something. Obviously, with everything that's happened, I-I feel somewhat responsible.
SHARON: Don't, Andy. You've had enough trouble around here connected to our family. You don't need any more of our burden.
[A buzzer goes off somewhere.]
SHARON: Excuse me.
[Sharon exits, putting her hand on Dr. Brown's shoulder.]
[Cut to Dr. H. Abbott's office. He's practicing his speech.]
DR. H. ABBOTT: So, fellow Bighorns, let us "baa baa" into the future with pride... ohh, Lord! Louise, where is my co...
[Louise enters and Dr. H. Abbott notices her purple outfit and that her hair is down.]
DR. H. ABBOTT: What are you wearing?
LOUISE: Do you like it? Linda said the purple brings out the color in my eyes.
DR. H. ABBOTT: No, I do not like it, and as long as you are in my employ, you will dress more like a nurse and less like a concubine. Is that understood?
[Louise brings him a cup of beverage. Dr. Abbott starts gagging and spitting.]
DR. H. ABBOTT: What -- are you trying to poison me?!
LOUISE: It's called "yerba mate." Linda said it's healthier than coffee.
DR. H. ABBOTT: I don't care if this cures cancer. I would rather drink burnt sweat. Now, bring me coffee, black, and tell my sister to turn down that infernal racket.
LOUISE: I'm afraid I can't get involved in your sibling issues, Dr. Abbott. I feel it might be bad for my chi.
[Dr. H. Abbott exits.]
[Cut to him barging in on his sister who's with a patient.]
DR. L. ABBOTT: Harold, I'm with a patient.
DR. H. ABBOTT: Mr. Jensen, what are you doing here? Louise said you canceled because your migraine subsided.
MR. JENSEN: It did, thanks to Doc Linda here. I used one of her half-off coupons yesterday, just for the heck of it. Today, I thought I'd let her take a shot at my bursitis.
DR. L. ABBOTT: If you'll excuse me for just a minute, Mr. Jensen.
MR. JENSEN: Take your time.
DR. H. ABBOTT: No, I... Ohh...
[Dr. L. Abbott pulls her brother outside of her office.]
DR. L. ABBOTT: You have some nerve, barging in there –
DR. H. ABBOTT: Oh, oh, me, me, me? You bamboozle yourself into my practice, make it impossible for me to do any work around here, what with those interminable chimes bouncing off the walls. Not to mention your pachulian scents wafting under my door. Why must everything in this office smell like feet?
DR. L. ABBOTT: I would be more than happy to arrange a time to discuss office management with you, but when that door is shut, I must insist you refrain from barging in there and harassing my patients.
DR. H. ABBOTT: Listen, Dr. Fu Man Chu, from here on in, that door is the Great Wall -- in there, the Ming Dynasty. Out here, sanity, civilization, and air freshener. Oh, and next time you plan on discounting our services, don't. I have barely trained these people to stop paying me with livestock and summer squash. We don't need them putting off treatment until your next sale.
[Dr. H. Abbott slams his door shut and his sister goes back to Mr. Jensen.]
[Cut to Dr. Brown's office. He's on the phone. Nina comes to the door while he's talking.]
DR. BROWN: Uh, no, Maltrexon wouldn't be advisable in this case. Well, I'm afraid he's drinking too much for a drug that's used primarily to sustain abstinence. [motions Nina to come in] Vanderbilt? OK. All right. And who should I talk to there? You can connect me? Great! Thanks, Paul. I owe you one. Best to Carol. Bye.
DR. BROWN: Hey, Nina, what's up?
NINA: You asked me to come by –
DR. BROWN: One sec, one sec. [to the phone] Yes, I'd like to speak to Dr. Karen Griffin, please. That's right.
DR. BROWN: It's a little crazy right now. What were you saying?
NINA: You wanted me to come by... after the lawyer.
DR. BROWN: Oh, oh, right, right. How'd that go?
NINA: Well, I am still torn about filing for a divorce. This whole experience, it's just...
DR. BROWN: [into the phone] Hello? Yes. Dr. Andrew Brown. [to Nina] Nina, I know it's tough, but it's the right thing to do. Trust me. [back into the phone and sits down] Yes, Dr. Griffin? Hi. Andy Brown. I understand you might be looking for candidates for the study on topiramate and alcohol dependence? Yeah, I think I might have a candidate for you.
[Nina exits, seeing as her friend won't talk to her any time soon.]
[Cut to the Brown living room. Ephram's playing video games, completely engrossed. Madison turns it off.]
EPHRAM: What the f--?
[Madison gives him a look.]
EPHRAM: I was in the middle of a game.
MADISON: I know, and while your hand-eye coordination is truly impressive, you're done for now.
EPHRAM: I had 49 kills. Do you have any idea what it takes to get 49 kills?
MADISON: I'm not really into the whole killing thing. In fact, neither is your dad which is why he asked me not to let Delia play these games. Like any little sister, she blindly adores her big brother, so if you play them, she'll want to play them. How's that paper coming, by the way?
EPHRAM: None of your business.
MADISON: Oh, that well, huh? Well, you better get to it. Dinner will be ready in about a half-hour, so I'll need you to set the table before then.
EPHRAM: Did you not hear a word I said yesterday? You don't tell me when to eat. You do not tell me to set the table. You do not tell me to do homework. OK? My dad doesn't even tell me that.
MADISON: Maybe if he did, you wouldn't be so far behind. Just a thought.
EPHRAM: OK, that’s it, we're done here. Actually, you're done here.
MADISON: Excuse me?
[Ephram's pushing Madison towards the door.]
EPHRAM: You can go now. I will take care of my sister as I have been doing for years amazingly enough without your help. You can stop worrying about the fall of the Brown household, because you're fired.
MADISON: I don't think you want to do this.
EPHRAM: Yeah, it's breakin' my heart. Hey, don't forget your jacket.
MADISON: Your dad hired me, Ephram.
EPHRAM: And it's not the first time I've had to correct one of his mistakes. Also, you might not want to use us as a reference.
[Ephram shuts the door on Madison's face. He turns around and Delia appears.]
DELIA: Is dinner ready yet?
[Ephram gives his sister a look.]
[Cut to the Abbott home. Dr. H. Abbott is reading his speech for accepting High Rutbuck to his family at dinnertime.]
DR. H. ABBOTT: And so, Brother Rams, I accept this highest honor with as much gratitude as would seem necessary. Applause, applause, humble bowing.
ROSE: Very nice, Harold.
AMY: Very nice, Dad.
BRIGHT: Yeah.
DR. H. ABBOTT: Still working on it. Needs a little polish. Something a smish more quotable, I think. You felt the theme came through, though? Great times, great causes, great men -- that was clear?
ROSE: As a bell. Oh, I almost forgot. Guess who I ran into at the market today: Rick Walzak's mother. [to Amy] You never told me you two were going out.
AMY: He asked me out. There's a difference. I haven't even told him if I'd go out with him yet. So...
ROSE: Why wouldn't you go with him? He's a very nice young man.
[Bright clears his throat.]
BRIGHT: Bonehead.
DR. H. ABBOTT: Bright, I thought you were friends.
BRIGHT: Back when he knew his place.
AMY: Since when are you the King of Jock Mountain?
ROSE: Well, what is wrong with Rick Walzak?
BRIGHT: Rick Ballzak...
DR. H. ABBOTT: Bright...
BRIGHT: Nothing. He just wouldn't be my first choice for Amy.
AMY: Your first choice? Since when do you get to decide?
BRIGHT: Whatever, this is a pointless conversation, because you're obviously not going to go out with him anyways.
AMY: You know what, Mom? You're right. Rick is a very nice boy. And there's no reason I shouldn't go out with him. In fact, I think I'll call him after dinner.
ROSE: Wonderful.
[Bright mocks his sister.]
[Cut to the Brown home. Ephram and Delia are there.]
EPHRAM: See that? You're getting the full crunch of the noodle there. That's what they call "ramen al dente."
[Dr. Brown comes home.]
DR. BROWN: Hey, guys. Where's Madison?
DELIA: Ephram fired her.
DR. BROWN: You what?!
EPHRAM: Trust me, it was for the best. Delia, will you excuse us for a moment?
DELIA: Are you gonna yell at Ephram?
DR. BROWN: I might.
[Delia exits.]
DR. BROWN: (CONT'D) So, what happened?
EPHRAM: The girl turned ten kinds of crazy on me. Power-tripping like you would not believe. Telling me what to do, what to eat. All very prison camp. Definitely not a positive influence for Delia.
DR. BROWN: Do you realize how hard it was to find her? I interviewed a dozen girls before I hired Madison.
EPHRAM: So? We'll keep looking.
DR. BROWN: There is no "we" in this scenario. When I last checked, I was the head of this household. And I will decide who does the hiring and the firing. And as far as I can tell, there is nothing wrong with that girl. She cooks, she cleans, Delia loves her, and I'm going to hire her right back. And tomorrow, when she gets here, you're going to apologize.
EPHRAM: Why do we even need her? It's not like Delia's dying of malnutrition or anything.
DR. BROWN: Look, just because your sister isn't dying doesn't mean we don't need help. Your homework has doubled and you need to be practicing that piano.
EPHRAM: So, we'll ask Nina.
DR. BROWN: No, we can't ask Nina.
EPHRAM: Sure, we can.
DR. BROWN: No, we can't. She's going through a divorce right now, and the last thing she needs is the three of us bugging her about stuff.
EPHRAM: Nina's getting divorced? Since when?
DR. BROWN: It's a long story. The point is that we need Madison. You're just going to have to deal with that. So I suggest you start working on that apology right now.
{END OF ACT TWO / COMMERCIAL BREAK}
{ACT THREE}
[Cut to Abbott & Abbott Medical. Dr. H. Abbott enters the reception area. His neck is off to the side crookedly.]
LOUISE: What happened?
DR. H. ABBOTT: Not one word! [to his sister] I'm in no mood for you.
DR. L. ABBOTT: I owe you an apology, Harry.
DR. H. ABBOTT: Continue.
DR. L. ABBOTT: I was thinking about it, and you were right. I should have told you my medical focus had shifted before I joined your practice. I'm sorry. Why are you all cockeyed?
DR. H. ABBOTT: Don't change the subject.
DR. L. ABBOTT: Your head is attached to your shoulder. What happened?
DR. H. ABBOTT: If you must know, I was up late working on my speech last night, fell asleep at the table, and woke up like this. Flexeril should take care of it in time for my awards ceremony tonight.
DR. L. ABBOTT: A muscle relaxant? You can't even handle two glasses of wine. You won't be able to stand up, let alone deliver a speech. [gets a brilliant idea] I can fix it for you.
DR. H. ABBOTT: If you think I'm going to let you use me like one of your pincushions, y-y-you must be even crazier than I thought.
DR. L. ABBOTT: OK, how 'bout this? I work on your neck free of charge, no coupons necessary. If it doesn't help, I leave the practice, no hard feelings. If it does, you leave me alone and I get to keep my water fountain. Deal?
[Dr. H. Abbott contemplates it.]
[Cut to the Brown kitchen. Madison spots Ephram.]
MADISON: Ephram! Come in here, you big teddy bear.
EPHRAM: This isn't happening.
MADISON: Oh, actually, this is happening. Yesterday, when you tried to fire me? That's what didn't happen. So your dad tells me you have something to say to me. [No response.] No rush. Take your time.
EPHRAM: I apologize, Madison.
MADISON: That was very manly. I like it. Apology accepted. Have a carrot stick.
[Madison feeds Ephram a carrot stick and exits. Nina enters during this interchange.]
NINA: Who was that?
EPHRAM: Oh, you mean Satan? That's Delia's new babysitter. I basically hate her.
NINA: I didn't know you guys had a babysitter. I was just coming by to see if Delia wanted to watch a movie with Sam.
EPHRAM: It's a new thing we're trying out. It sucks, but you're going through a lot worse, right? Sorry about all that.
NINA: What do you mean? What are you sorry for?
EPHRAM: My dad told me about the divorce and everything. It's gotta be tough, especially for Sam.
NINA: Your dad told you that?
DELIA'S VOICE: Ephram! Come here, come here, come here!
EPHRAM: I should probably...
NINA: Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
EPHRAM: Sorry.
[Off Nina, feeling completely betrayed.]
[Cut to the living room Ephram has just entered.]
DELIA: We're going miniature golfing. Remember how we used to go in New York, I was always the pink ball and you pretended the giant clown face could talk and you'd make it say cool stuff?
EPHRAM: No.
DELIA: You have to come.
EPHRAM: No, I don't think so. But you guys have fun.
DELIA: What do you mean? Why not?
EPHRAM: Well, for one thing, miniature golf is lame.
MADISON: You know what? That's OK, Delia. We don't need him. I can make the clown talk.
DELIA: [sulky] Never mind, I don't want to go either. It's lame.
[Madison gives Ephram a look.]
EPHRAM: Fine. OK, fine. I'll go.
DELIA: [brighter] Cool. I get the pink ball.
[Delia exits.]
MADISON: You want to pretend to fire me again? Might make you feel better.
[Ephram gives Madison a look.]
[Cut to Abbott & Abbott Medical. Dr. L. Abbott has just finished doing her treatment on her brother in her office.]
DR. L. ABBOTT: How do you feel?
DR. H. ABBOTT: I just had my sister stick needles in my face. I feel foolish. [moves his neck] Interesting.
DR. L. ABBOTT: It was a pretty aggressive treatment. Your chi was as blocked as I've ever seen. The chakra in the region is linked to the emotions as well, so there may be some side effects.
DR. H. ABBOTT: Please stop with the mumbo jumbo. I had a cramp. The lactic acid dissipated. It ran its course. Next thing you know you'll be taking credit for the sun going down.
DR. L. ABBOTT: Listen to me, Harry. The treatment I did on your neck is going to affect you in other ways. You may feel slightly more -- shall we say vulnerable? I just want you to be prepared.
DR. H. ABBOTT: Yes. Well, I'll thank you to keep things down in here. I have a speech to finish.
DR. L. ABBOTT: Whatever you say. Good luck tonight, Harry, and, remember: a good speech needs to come from the heart.
[Cut to the Brown Family Clinic. James Hart is learning about the clinical trial Dr. Brown wants him to go on.]
DR. BROWN: So if you decided to do this, you'd be doing me a big favor. I've known Dr. Griffin since med school. She's always been hounding me to find new subjects. It's very hard to get people interested in clinical trials like this.
JAMES: So, what is the study, exactly?
DR. BROWN: Well, actually, it's very interesting. Topiramate was originally developed to control seizures associated with epilepsy. Now they actually think it can inhibit the desire for alcohol by interfering with the release of dopamine in the brain. That's what generates the pleasure that the drinking provides.
JAMES: What would I do?
DR. BROWN: You just take a pill once a day, and then you and I will meet periodically to monitor the results. I would send her a report, and who knows? If we're lucky, I get my name in a footnote.
JAMES: No, no, if it's all the same to you, I think I'm gonna pass.
DR. BROWN: Look, it wouldn't cost anything, and it's anonymous. You wouldn't even have to talk to my friend. I could even come to your place -- whatever you'd like.
JAMES: I appreciate what you're trying to do, Andy, but I'm not interested. The fact is I don't want to stop drinking.
DR. BROWN: Well, do you mind if I ask why?
JAMES: Why would I want to be sober? So I can wake up every morning feeling crystal clear about the fact that I no longer have a son?
DR. BROWN: You still have a daughter... and a wife.
JAMES: I know. I know I can't go on like this forever, but no matter what I tell you, I'm going to drink tonight.
[James starts to exit.]
DR. BROWN: Jim, listen to me. If there's one emotion that I can identify with, it's grief. I know what it's like to lose someone and wish that you had died right along with them.
JAMES: Well, with all due respect, Andy, you may know grief, but it's a very different sort. See, you mourn what you had. I mourn what will never be.
[Cut to Everwood's own outdoor minature golf facility. "Are You Happy Now?" by Michelle Branch is playing.]
DELIA: I got mine in after only two turns, and that's almost professional, right, Madison?
MADISON: Absolutely –
EPHRAM: Excuse me, I'm trying to take my shot.
[He makes his attempt and fails.]
MADISON: Nice one, tiger.
DELIA: No do-overs.
[Ephram spots Amy and Rick on their date.]
EPHRAM: Kill me now.
MADISON: [to Delia] Who's that?
DELIA: [to Madison, quietly] Ephram likes her, but it's a secret. [louder, to Amy] Hi, Amy.
AMY: Hey, Delia. What are you guys doing here?
EPHRAM: Just enjoying Everwood's finest outdoor recreational facility.
MADISON: Hi. I'm Madison. Babysitter.
EPHRAM: [clarifying] Delia's babysitter.
RICK: Real cool, Brown.
DELIA: You guys want to play with us?
EPHRAM: I think we should all stay in our own groups. What do you think?
AMY: Yeah, I agree.
DELIA: OK, but you'll be behind us all night. That's two for me, and an extra one for cheating gives Ephram a five. See you at the next hole.
[Ephram, Delia, and Madison move on.]
RICK: Here. Hold it like this.
[Rick motions to position Amy just so they can be closer. Amy doesn't want to be closer to him.]
AMY: I'm OK. Thanks.
LYRICS: Are you happy now?
[Cut to the Feeney home. Nina's working in the kitchen. Dr. Brown comes in.]
DR. BROWN: Hey, Nina. I thought that I would bring you some baked goods for a change. But before you laugh, I had nothing to do with these brownies except pay the babysitter who made them, and that girl gives you a run for your money.
NINA: Thanks, Andy. Just leave them right there.
DR. BROWN: You'll never guess what happened today. I found something that could really help Jim Hart, and he's not interested. I can understand he's in pain –
NINA: Oh, you understand? Well, aren't you Mr. Perceptive all of a sudden?
DR. BROWN: OK, I did something.
NINA: I came to you in confidence about my divorce, and you go blabbing it to your teenage son. What were you thinking?
DR. BROWN: It was just Ephram.
NINA: That is beside the point.
DR. BROWN: If it's any consolation, I didn't tell him Carl was gay.
NINA: Get out.
DR. BROWN: Come on, Nina. I'm sorry.
NINA: Sorry for telling Ephram or bailing on me the other day? Or maybe you’re sorry for pushing me into divorce court when I might not be ready for all that yet.
DR. BROWN: Pushing you? We talked the whole thing out. I told you –
NINA: Yeah, you told me. You know, you're super at giving advice but not so big on the follow-through, I've noticed.
DR. BROWN: I helped you make a decision. What more do you want from me?
NINA: You could be there for me. Friends don't give advice and walk away, Andy. They listen. But I guess you're too busy to make time for things like that.
DR. BROWN: Look, I'm sorry if I was rude yesterday, but Jim Hart has a serious condition.
NINA: Jim Hart didn't ask for your help! God, you can be so self-righteous sometimes!
DR. BROWN: Why don't you tell me how you really feel?
NINA: I'm sorry Andy, but it is true. You push people to do things, decide when they should move on and how they should move on. Me, Jim, and half this town. What about you?
DR. BROWN: What about me?
NINA: You haven't moved on. Julia's been gone almost two years, and you still wear your damn wedding ring.
DR. BROWN: It's not the same thing.
NINA: Right... because it's you.
[Cut to the lodge. Davenport is introducing this year's High Rutbuck.]
DAVENPORT: Harold Abbott is an upstanding gentleman in our community. He's kind and generous. And if you don't think so, just ask him.
[Among the men, there is some laughter and all bleating.]
DAVENPORT: In fact, when his name came up for this year's High Rutbuck, the Bighorn board's decision was unanimous. So I'm proud to introduce to you our High Rutbuck for 2003, Dr. Harold Abbott Jr.
[There's more bleating and also now some applause as well.]
DR. H. ABBOTT: Well, thank you, Brothers Ram. I've jotted down just a few words. I couldn't decide how best to express my gratitude. Somehow the enormity of my life, which I always thought so small, was just too much. I couldn't reduce it to a few simple phrases and thank yous. There's just so much to be grateful for. [Chinese music begins] Pie. For one. Did you ever have such a good, perfect bite of pie that you wanted to stop eating for fear the next wouldn't be quite as right? And then there's friends. Familiar faces like I see right now, some I've known since I was a tot. I loved it when my father brought me to the Bighorn picnics. Those chortling be-fezzed men swilling scotch and smoking good cigars. Dad always went for those swisher sweets, even when someone brought Cubans. God, I miss my dad sometimes. He was such a good man. And now here I am... surrounded with good friends like you all. Good men. Men. [waves to the men he mentions and they wave back] Nick... Hank...Jerry... Jerry. I love you, guys. I love you. I love you, Dad! Dad!
[A standing ovation, there's lots of bleating and applause.]
[Cut to the Brown home where Delia, Madison, and Ephram are sitting in the living room. Dr. Brown enters.]
DR. BROWN: Ephram, I need to talk to you.
EPHRAM: Good because I need to talk to you.
DR. BROWN: Madison, take Delia upstairs and get her ready for bed.
MADISON: Sure thing.
DR. BROWN: What were you thinking, talking to Nina about her divorce? I told you that in confidence.
EPHRAM: Well, how was I supposed to know? You never told me it was a secret.
DR. BROWN: I thought it was self-evident. Do you have any idea what kind of hell I went through tonight? I had to listen to her tear my head off for 10 minutes so...
EPHRAM: I had to play miniature golf in front of Amy and the guy she was on a date with for ten hours thanks to you, and I still have a paper due Monday.
DR. BROWN: Oh, big deal! I guarantee you, whatever happened to you, it doesn't come close to what I had to deal with.
EPHRAM: Oh yeah, because your life is always so much worse than mine.
MADISON: You know what?
[Madison comes down from the stairs and barges in on Ephram and Dr. Brown's budding fight.]
MADISON: That's it! I can't believe how you two go on. Is it always like this around here? That was rhetorical, OK? I know the answer to that. Are you aware that there's a little girl upstairs who can hear every word that you are screaming? Or do you think this house is made of magic doors that block out sound?
DR. BROWN: Look, Madison...
MADISON: No, I am not finished. OK, you two are two of the sorriest men I have ever seen. [to Dr. Brown] You're worried about what your neighbor thinks. [to Ephram] You're worried about some girl you have a crush on. [to both] Who is worried about Delia? Or is that why you hired me? Because I have news for you: I can pick up as much slack as you leave behind, but at the end of the day, she is your daughter and she's your sister. Unless you start giving her the attention that you two like to save for one another, she is going to rebel like you wouldn't believe. And I'm not going to be the one to stop her. You know, in fact, I might encourage it a little.
DR. BROWN: Look, I appreciate your being forthright...
MADISON: [to Dr. Brown] Oh, you want forthright? Neighbor lady. She's totally right about you. You never should have said anything, and you're upset that she called you on it, so you're blaming it on Ephram. [to Ephram] And you? And that stupid paper? Grow up, man. It is just homework. If you worked on it half as much as you whine about it, you'd have a novel by now. [to both] Now, I have a life of my own to get back to. I'll be back here same time tomorrow, and I expect to see some new attitudes. Good night.
{END OF ACT THREE / COMMERCIAL BREAK}
{ACT FOUR}
[Cut to the Brown kitchen, later. Dr. Brown and Ephram are working on doing the dishes.]
DR. BROWN: You were right. She is really mean.
EPHRAM: Don't forget crazy.
DR. BROWN: Who does she think she is? Yelling at us like this? This is our house.
EPHRAM: Completely out of line.
DR. BROWN: Bad enough you yell at me. She doesn't even live here.
EPHRAM: There's got to be other babysitters out there.
DR. BROWN: There are other babysitters out there - a dime a dozen. We don't have to put up with that.
EPHRAM: So, you're going to fire her?
DR. BROWN: Fire her? I'm going to fire her like she's never been fired. She's going to be so fired, her future children won't be able to get a job.
EPHRAM: That whole Tony Soprano thing doesn't work for you, but I'm with you on the firing.
DELIA: You can't fire her.
DR. BROWN: Delia, I thought you were in bed.
DELIA: I wanted a drink of water. And you're changing the subject. Madison's my best friend, and I want her to stay.
DR. BROWN: Well, honey, sometimes things just don't work out the way you want them to.
DELIA: She's the only one who plays with me and talks to me about cool stuff. She's mine. If you fire her, I won't speak to either of you... ever. I'm not thirsty anymore.
[Delia exits.]
EPHRAM: Think she's bluffing?
DR. BROWN: I don't know. I don't want to find out.
[The Brown men hear Delia close her door and look after her, wondering if she meant what she said.]
[Cut to Nina doing some gardening outside her home the following day. Dr. Brown walks up to her with a tray of cookies. She spots him and stops gardening.]
NINA: More babysitter goodies?
DR. BROWN: Actually, I made them myself. I didn't know what else to do. When Julia and I used to fight like that, I'd go out and buy jewelry. I'm just not used to fighting like that with friends. I'm not used to having friends, I guess. Not like you.
NINA: I know. I didn't know I could get mad like that. Let me rephrase: I don't think I should get mad like that. Not at you, anyway. I'm just freaking out right now.
DR. BROWN: Well, you know what? I should have realized that. If I'd been more attentive, I would have. Instead, I got all caught up in playing Mr. Fix-it, first with you and then with Jim.
NINA: How is he?
DR. BROWN: He's a long story with an unhappy ending. You know, I thought if I made him feel better, it would somehow make me feel better and... I'm doing it again, aren't I?
NINA: It's OK.
DR. BROWN: Anyway, you were right: I have not moved on. I haven't let go of Julia. It's funny... I-I wear this thing much more often now than I ever did when she was still here. I never really got used to it. I took it off all the time for surgery anyway, and sometimes I'd just forget to put it back on. Now I never do. And meanwhile, here you are, being very brave, and I am very proud of you.
NINA: Well, don't be. I, uh, I've decided to wait on the whole filing thing.
DR. BROWN: But you...
[Nina gives Dr. Brown a look like he's doing it again.]
DR. BROWN: Well, that's your decision, and I completely support it.
[They both chuckle. Nina takes a bite of one of the cookies.]
NINA: These are terrible.
DR. BROWN: I know.
[Cut to Main Street.]
DR. H. ABBOTT: Doctor.
DR. BROWN: Doctor. I hear you made quite a speech last night. Got some extra Kleenex in my car if you need them.
DR. H. ABBOTT: Nobody likes you.
[Dr. L. Abbott pulls up her red car.]
DR. L. ABBOTT: Good morning, Harry. Dr. Brown.
DR. BROWN: "Andy," please. That's a nice car. You don't see many of those around here. What's it get?
DR. L. ABBOTT: Over 50 to the gallon. Yeah, I figure you gotta do what you can. Of course, your S.U.V. isn't helping matters.
DR. H. ABBOTT: Well, I believe I have patients to see. Some of us don't have time for idle chitchat.
DR. L. ABBOTT: Um, you do. That's my yogic breathing class. Nice to see you again, Andy.
DR. BROWN: You too. Oh, and if you know where I can get a good deal on a bicycle...
[Dr. L. Abbott goes to Abbott & Abbott Family Medical.]
DR. BROWN: (CONT'D) She seems nice... Harry. You sure you're related?
DR. H. ABBOTT: Sometimes I wonder.
[Drs. H. Abbott and Brown go their separate ways.]
DR. H. ABBOTT: [to the people waiting in line] Hello. Go ahead, please.
DR. L. ABBOTT: Harry... you know, your neck seems better. Which means I win. So, I get to stay?
DR. H. ABBOTT: You didn't win anything. But you may stay. At least for the foreseeable future. Until the A.M.A. decides to throw the lot of ye out of the country.
DR. L. ABBOTT: Great, I'll bring my fountain back tomorrow.
DR. H. ABBOTT: Not on your life. That fountain had me peeing like a racehorse.
[Dr. H. Abbott walks into the chimes over the door.]
DR. H. ABBOTT: And could you please remove the wind chimes from our front door? In case you hadn't noticed, I'm rather tall.
[Dr. L. Abbott enters and closes the main door.]
[Cut to Peak County High. Amy's trying to open her locker. Ephram goes up to her.]
EPHRAM: How stupid was miniature golf?
AMY: Yeah, it kind of loses most of its appeal after the age of ten.
EPHRAM: How was the rest of your night with "The Wall"?
AMY: I think they call him "Walls." It was a one-time thing. No big deal.
EPHRAM: Yeah, cool. Whatever. Did that paper suck as much for you as it did for me?
AMY: Oh my God. The paper. I-I completely spaced. I-I don't need this right now.
[Amy slams her locker door.]
AMY: Dang it!
EPHRAM: Hey, no, forget it. Don't worry about it. Here. Have mine.
AMY: What?
EPHRAM: My paper. Come on, take it.
AMY: Ephram, are you insane?
EPHRAM: No, I blew it off till last night anyway. Write it down in your own handwriting. I'll go do another one during Free Period.
AMY: Are you serious?
EPHRAM: Yeah. It's not great, but at least it's something.
AMY: I can't believe this. You are saving my life right now.
EPHRAM: Don't worry about it.
AMY: Thank you so much.
[Amy hugs Ephram and then she starts to walk off.]
AMY: (CONT'D) I won't forget this.
[Ephram looks after her, leaning against a locker.]
[Cut to Ephram writing his paper during his free period in the school library. We hear him read it out loud as we see different characters doing different things.]
EPHRAM'S VOICE: The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare, or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.
[Nina throws away papers into a trash can in her home.]
EPHRAM'S VOICE: (CONT'D) I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw.
[James Hart gets a martini in a bar.]
EPHRAM'S VOICE: (CONT'D) Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still. It feels better somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar.
[Amy's outside at school, looking at a picture of Colin at the back of a diary while listening to some music with her headphones.]
EPHRAM'S VOICE: (CONT'D) Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected...who knows what other pain might be waiting out there? Chances are it could be even worse.
[Ephram turns in his paper in class.]
EPHRAM'S VOICE: (CONT'D) So you maintain the status quo, choose the road already traveled, and it doesn't seem that bad, not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict, you're not killing anyone...except maybe yourself a little.
[Dr. Brown is at home, getting ready for work. He puts on his watch and then looks at his wedding ring and complemates putting it on.]
EPHRAM'S VOICE: (CONT'D) When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked really, really close. Which, thank God, they never do.
[Dr. Brown puts the ring away.]
EPHRAM'S VOICE: (CONT'D) But you notice it. Inside you, that change feels like a world of difference, and you hope that it is... That this is the person you get to be forever. That you'll never have to change again.
Andy vient d'engager une baby-sitter pour sa fille afin de soulager Ephram qui prend son rôle de grand frère très à coeur. Tellement que ce dernier à peur que l'intrusion d'une nouvelle venue dans la vie de sa soeur lui cause des problèmes psychologiques. Mais c'est lui qui accepte plutôt difficilement la nouvelle baby-sitter : Madison, qui le traîte encore comme un gamin. Perdant sa fierté, il décide finalement de la virer. 
